A French-American view on motherhood. Bienvenue chez moi.
Future Mozart?
Originally uploaded by Je suis sophie.
I have a piano! Thanks to Lois, a fellow Soprano at the SFLC who needed to find a home for a few years for her piano, we now have a very nice upright in our living room and Evie has already started exploring it. She’s a genius I tell you 
Un an déjà ! Eh oui, Evelyne a eu un an il y a déjà quelques semaines. On a fêté ça en petit commité, juste nous trois. La demoiselle a bien sur été bien gâtée. On dit que le premier anniversaire est surtout pour les parents, que c’est leur chance de célébrer 365 jours de survie à l’agrandissement de leur famille. Personnellement, je n’ai pas trop ressenti le besoin de faire la fête. Je ne ressens pas cette première année de la vie de ma fille comme une étape si monumentale que cela. Je vois ça plutot comme un prolongement naturel à ma vie jusque là. Si je pense à fêter, c’est plutot tous les jours. Je me sens tres attachée à Evelyne en ce moment, et passe beaucoup de temps à juste la tenir dans mes bras en lui souriant et en l’embrassant. Ce qui tombe bien puisque Evelyne a développé un cas d’angoisse de séparation assez soudain. Elle pleure dès que je m’éloigne. Même quand elle peut voir que je reste dans les alentours, elle s’accroche à moi. Parfois alors qu’elle est entrain de jouer tranquillement, elle s’arrête, se “précipite” sur moi (elle ne marche pas, même pas à quatre pattes, donc elle se déplace en “scoochant”, cad en tirant ses fesses sur le sol en prenant appui sur ses talons), se jette dans mes bras, se serre contre moi. Puis quelques instants plus tard, apres avoir fait le plein de carresses… elle repart jouer tranquillement.
Lors des semaines qui ont précédé l’anniversaire d’Evelyne, j’avais régulièrement des souvenirs du meme jour il y a un an. Ca a duré quelques semaines avant et quelques semaines apres le 25 Octobre. On ne peut jamais oublier comment on se sentait les premiers jours de la vie de ses enfants je crois.
You wake us up every night these days, sometimes multiple times a night like last night, and yet, as Bronya says, “you can’t get mad at her, she is so beautiful. You want to be mad, but you look at her, and you kiss her a million times”.
When I lean over your crib to sing you a lullaby to lull you back to sleep, you grab my neck with one arm and bring me closer so that our cheeks will touch each other. I can hear your breath slow down and become more regular, but you won’t let go.
I’m half asleep myself, I’m cold standing barefoot in my pyjamas in your room, I ache in the awkward position this puts me in with the crib’s railing pressing on my stomach, and yet, I won’t move as I just take in the sweetness of the moment.
Evelyne aime :
. Il faut dire que c’est tout un spectacle 
Curieusement elle ne semble pas avoir de doudou prefere.
Par contre, Evelyne n’aime pas:
Visiblement elle est plutot heureuse comme gamine, non?
It is scary how sometimes Evelyne changes almost overnight. Dylan keeps mentioning how she looks different from the day before. I notice it too. I don’t know if it’s because we know her better than others and therefore see little details that others won’t notice, or if for other people it would be even more striking. Sometimes, as I watch her, I see glimpses of what she may be in a year or two or more. I will catch something out of the corner of my eye, like an expression on Evie’s face, that makes her look like she’s a little girl and not a baby. It’s usually just a very fleeting feeling, something that’s hard to grasp and gone as soon as you think you’ve put your finger on it. It makes me feel like my mind is playing tricks on me.
Oops, the baby’s waking up. I’ll have to finish the thought another time (not that there was much of a thought to start with).
They should hang this big giant sign at every point of entrance to France each year during the month of August. What is it with these French people ALL taking their vacation at the same time? Everything was closing for many weeks in Paris. The one night we asked my Mom and sister to watch Evelyne, Dylan and I wanted to go to a nice restaurant in Paris. I called six of the best restaurants in town (all from a “top up-and-coming new places” list): all of them were freakin’ CLOSED. It drove me nuts. How dare these French people take their vacation during the summer and how dare they not be capitalist enough to want my money ?
The trip was great, and yet it felt awfully good to be back home. Evelyne was awesome most of the time. She is quite the little traveller. But being out of my regular environment for so long was pretty hard on me. There were two things in particular that I found tough:
- Always being with someone. Whether it was my daughter, my husband, my Mom, my sister, my brother… There was always someone around. I had very few chances to be completely alone during 5 weeks. I couldn’t find the right situation/day/opportunity to just drop Evelyne in someone else’s lap to go for a walk or to run some errands. And had I tried to spend more time by myself, I probably would have felt guilty about it. In any case, it weighed on me very heavily towards the end of my stay. A few days before we left, I spent an hour alone wandering in the streets of the Marais in Paris. I never felt so giddy in my life I think. 10 minutes into my walk, I was smiling at everyone I passed by. I felt FREE, and LIGHT, and CARELESS! I have really enjoyed my days alone when Evelyne is at Bronya’s since we’ve returned even if they have been mostly unproductive.
- Having to comply with someone else’s schedule on top of Evelyne’s. My schedule revolves around my daughter’s, and I hadn’t realized to which degree that is true. I guess I unconsciously was expecting the same from others, and when they didn’t (which is perfectly normal: why would someone who doesn’t live with a child think of naps, feedings, andother baby imperatives), well there were obvious tensions. This is particularly true with my mother who is living at the pace of a retiree (albeit a very active one). I felt constantly stretched between her and my daughter and never felt I was spending adequate time or paying adequte attention to either. And it didn’t help that my mom kept telling me that I looked tired and stressed. No mom, I am not stressed, stop stressing me by telling me I’m stressed, I AM NOT STRESSED I said Of course I was stressed. My vacations in France are always a bit stressful anyway.
So lessons learned. Next time, I think I’ll find more opportunities to leave Evelyne with others and enjoy some time for myself, and I will reserve some time for Dylan, Evie, and I to just go spend a few days as a small nice little nuclear family so that I can take a vacation from my vacation.
I’m trying to get everything ready for the big departure to France on Wednesday. This includes wrapping up a couple of work projects so I’m a bit stressed. I’m mostly worried about how well and how quickly Evelyne will get over the jet lag. Of course, to top it off, Evelyne caught the cold that I’d gotten from Dylan last week. So now I have a tired runny-nose little girl, but given the circumstances she’s doing admirably well.
I havent’ written here for a while. Evelyne is growing and it’s amazing how it’s happening right in front of us. I sometimes look at her in Dylan’s arms or in Bronya’s arms, and I wonder “who is this baby?”, ” when did she get to become this tall? When did she learn to do this, or have this expression?”. TOmorrow we are going to the a birthday party for Eva, Krista’s daughter. It’s the first birthday party Evelyne is invited to . And I realize that if Eva is one year old, then Evelyne is going to be one in 3 to 4 months. Wow. Where did the time go?
I haven’t talked here yet about my other mom friends and the great network that you fall into once you become a parent. It’s common knowledge that to get new friends, the best thing to do is to either get a dog or get a child. After Evie’s birth, I signed up for a number of parents lists and have found most of them somewhat useful. It’s funny however how I’ve had little intersest or motivation in meeting the people from these lists in real life with a couple of exceptions. In retrospective, it makes sense. It’s not because we have children the same age that suddenly I am going to like every parent out there. There are so many Mothers groups and people make it sound like it’s such a great thing. At first I almost felt guilty for not wanting to meet other new moms. Now I’m more comfortable with it and I realize it’s not just me (and also it’s just not me). Somehow, I feel like it’s a very American thing too. I don’t know why, and I haven’t really thought of it much, but this need to always have “peers”, or to have a group that constantly justifies your own decisions…Maybe it’s not so much a American vs. French cultural thing, but more something due to the nature of San Francisco, where so many here are without family ties and support. I don’t know.
Anyway. I was almost feeling guilty I think because it felt like I was depriving Evelyne of somthing, but really I’m not. What does she care about going to playgroups with a bunch of other 6 months old? So I’ve stuck with the few other moms I know here (Shira, and now Ruth). THis being said there are always exceptions, and in my case, there are two of them:
- I met a few people through the French mothers group. That’s how I met Krista, who I really get along with. Her daugther Eva will most likely end up going to school with Evelyne and I love that they arleady know each other!
- I met some of the Burning Moms a few weeks ago at a picnic. That was fun. And I have a lot to say about that but it will have to come in another post because Evie’s fussy…
Some days, everything goes wrong.
Last Thursday was like that. I had a tough day at work with a client who keeps ignoring our recommendations and instead just dictates what the site architecture should be like, what the navigation should look like, and where the content will come from. I feel like a clerk taking notes while others are making decisions and I have to regularly calm down by reminding myself that they are still paying me for my expertise which they aren’t using, but, well, that’s their problem. I also started on another project with a great team, but, boy, they are whipping my butt in shape. This is going to be one intense project. I’m facing a night of work to prepare for two important meetings tomorrow. I have to struggle to find a place to pump. The video room which is my pumping room is being used for (what do you know) a video project so I have to go pump in the upstairs restrooms, 8 floors away, yay! But the cherry on top of the cake is when Bronya calls after I pick up Evelyne, to tell me that she has just opened her mail to find a convocation for jury duty for the next day at 10am. Great. Welcome to child care hell. I arrange with Bronya to eventually have her look after Evie in the afternoon, I call Tryntje as a backup, arrange for my first meeting to be over the phone… Aaaaaaaaggggghhhhh, so much stress in one evening.
And then there are some days when the stars align and everything goes as it should. I knew that my Friday would have to be scheduled very tightly if I wanted it to work. And, oh miracle, everything worked perfectly well! Evelyne took a 2h45 min nap in the morning (first ever I think!), woke up just as my call was finishing and just in time for her feeding before I dropped her at Bronya’s, who escaped jury duty, so icould drive to Fluid, found a parking spot near Fluid’s offices (!), then rescheduled the doctor’s appointment next week, found another spot near AKQA (!), met all the people I had to meet, and made it back to Bronya’s in time.
It’s all a question of balance. But if feels like walking on a thin rope sometimes!
All this time I’ve been wondering what Evelyne got from me (since it’s obviously not facial features). I think I got a bit of a clue today. Twice today she was trying to do something with one of her toys and the toy was not “cooperating”. I’m not sure what she wanted (pull them apart? get them closer?) but each time it was obvious that she was growing frustrated with the way the toy behaved. Each time the frustration grew to the point that she threw major temper tantrums. Big tears, cries, really angry baby. The “why don’t you understand me?”-like frustration. The “I can’t get what I want” screams. At six month old, my daughter is giving us a little peak into her personality. And I recognize what I see. Now I know what she got from me.
060401-7
Originally uploaded by Je suis sophie.
Evelyne is growing up. She looks different each day, even Dylan and I notice it. She looks more and more like a little girl, and definitively not like a newborn anymore.
Note: My friend Lexie crocheted that hat in less than half an hour.